Hey DILFs!

I just spent an hour and a half researching and writing a part-recommendation, part-blistering attack on an annual event called Sculpture in the City. It was SO GOOD.

You’ll never get to read it, because I’ve just discovered I was writing about last year’s exhibition. This year’s hasn’t even been announced yet.

So while I go away and cry, please enjoy all the things you can actually do this weekend.

Enjoy (and feel sorry for me),

Jeff xx

PS I suggested a few things to do last weekend at the Open House Festival, and there’s plenty more going on this weekend. Here are a few of my favourites:

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Nikon Comedy Wildlife Awards
Until January 2027, Monday–Thursday 11:00–18:00, Friday 10:30–22:00, Saturday 10:00–22:00, Sunday 10:00–18:00
Frameless, 6 Marble Arch, W1H 7AP
Free with admission (adults £31.50, 3–15s £22, under-3s free during peak times)
Age guidance: suitable for all

I’ve had a bit of a ticking-off from Frameless since I last wrote about it – when I complained that it was expensive for what you actually get.

They had two points to make in their defence. First, they pointed out that its World Around Us gallery now contains 13 artworks, rather than the seven I’d mentioned.

More importantly, they thought I was underestimating quite how much work goes into making the whole thing. They sent me this behind-the-scenes video, which shows the frankly ridiculous amount of work involved in turning a single painting into something that can move across the walls of an enormous gallery.

I still think it’s bloomin' expensive. Sure it takes a crapton of work to produce, but effort and value aren't quite the same thing: you can spend six months making a sandwich and I’m still not paying £40 for it.

On the other hand, given that Frameless has welcomed millions of visitors since it opened, plenty of people are clearly happy to pay what it charges. So basically: I’m just a tightwad.

Or at least I used to be a tightwad, because Frameless has now added something to the ticket that I’d happily fork out a fortune for. It’s become the new home of the Nikon Comedy Wildlife Awards, with 91 of the best photographs from the past decade on display. So perhaps Frameless was never too expensive for me: perhaps I was just waiting for the right giant seal.

If you haven’t been to Frameless, the usual idea is to take famous artworks by famous artists – Van Gogh, Monet, Klimt and so on – and transform them into enormous projections across the walls and floors around you. This new exhibition is a brilliant extension of the same idea, but with photos of animals being accidentally absurd instead.

The photographs are divided between seven habitats – forests, grasslands, oceans, rivers and so on – so you might have a grinning bear cub looming above you in a forest, then find yourself face-to-face with a dancing monkey.

The awards were started in 2015 by wildlife photographers Paul Joynson-Hicks and Tom Sullam, who realised that making people laugh at animals was a pretty good way of making them care about them too. There’s a conservation mission behind the whole thing, with the comedy intended to get more people interested in protecting wildlife.

Find out more: https://frameless.com/artist-residencies/comedy-wildlife-awards/

👍️ If you’re a fan of Middle Eastern and North African food, Frameless is actually at the bottom of Edgware Road – so you just have to walk north to find all the hummus, baba ganoush, shawarma, stews, tagines and baklava you could ever wish for.

Water Lantern Festival
Saturday and Sunday, 18:00
Clapham Common, Long Pond, SW4 9DE
Adults, £22.32, under-8s free (but see information below about who gets a lantern!)
Age guidance: suitable for all

I was once told that I’m far better looking in low light, which I believe is one of the best examples of a backhanded compliment I’ve ever heard – let alone received.

And while I’m still reeling because it was (surely?) intended as an insult, the joke’s kind of on them because almost EVERYTHING looks better in low light. Fireworks. Christmas lights. City skylines. Service station toilets. The contents of a kebab.

And, of course, lanterns.

The travel bloggers of the early 2010s made VERY sure we knew about those. Lanterns in Thailand. Lanterns in Vietnam. Lanterns in Taiwan. Lanterns everywhere, it seemed, as long as they were at least ten hours and several days of annual leave away.

But now, having seen a nice thing and decided we wanted one too, we have our very own lantern festival in London. (New York, LA and Toronto got a festival too, of course.)

Inspired by the lantern traditions of Chiang Mai, the London version takes place around the Long Pond on Clapham Common, and there’s a whole evening built around the actual lantern bit. It starts at 18:00 – or possibly 17:30, depending on which page of the website you’re on – with live music, food, games and an open mic. Everyone with a ticket gets a lantern kit to put together and decorate with whatever message, drawing or wish they fancy.

Then, as it gets dark, everyone heads to the water and releases their lanterns together. They’re expecting thousands of them to be floating on the pond at once. And unless the promotional photographs are committing some fairly serious fraud, it should look gorgeous.

No need to worry about lantern detritus, by the way: the organisers follow a “leave no trace” philosophy and will collect every single one from the water afterwards, as well as any pre-existing waste. The lanterns are made from biodegradable rice paper, wooden bases and LED candles that are reused and recycled – so if you think about it, you’re basically doing Clapham Common a favour.

The thing you SHOULD worry about and DEFINITELY consider deeply before you book? Children aged eight and under don’t get a lantern.

They get into the festival for free, but their free admission doesn’t include a lantern kit. If you have anyone younger than nine and you value your sanity, I'd strongly recommend preparing them for this fact before they spend an hour watching everyone else decorate theirs. (Or you can buy them a full-price ticket if you want them to have a lantern of their own. I’ve checked with the organisers and of course they’re happy for you to do that too.)

Find out more: https://fever.pxf.io/0G5ANM

Big Dreams Festival at Polka Theatre
Saturday and Sunday, various times depending on the performance (see below)
Polka Theatre, 240 The Broadway, SW19 1SB
£13 per performance (multi-buy discounts available)
Age guidance: varies by performance (see below)

“Festival” does an awful lot of work these days. It can mean three days in a field watching bands; a weekend listening to authors talk about their books; a month of orchestras at the Albert Hall; or six trestle tables, some face paint and a man with a guitar.

I think we need more words for festivals.

Still, I’m very much in favour of the fact that even the under-10s now get their own one. Big Dreams is Polka Theatre’s festival of theatre and creativity for younger children, with shows from the UK and abroad, interactive events and free activities.

There are several performances each day, with the age guidance varying from show to show – so you can put together your own mini-festival programme. There’s free stuff happening around the theatre too – and, in true festival fashion, you’re actively encouraged to see more than one show. If you book two or more events, you’ll get up to 15% off.

Saturday

MC Grammar
11:00 and 14:00, ages 3–7
Read and rap with MC Grammar in an interactive show mixing books, beats and word games.

The Tale of the Loneliest Whale
10:45 and 14:30, ages 4–8
A deep-sea adventure with puppets, songs and sea monsters, about a whale searching the ocean for someone who can hear his song. (14:30 sold out)

Multicolore
10:00 and 12:30, ages 18 months–6 years old
A French puppet show about a completely white world that changes when a colourful new neighbour moves in. (Sold out)

Sunday

Family Rave
11:00, ages 0–4
A daytime rave where small children and their parents dance together to classic club anthems. (Sold out)

Nick Sharratt’s Once Upon a Drawalong
14:00, ages 3–7
Draw along with the illustrator of You Choose, Shark in the Park and hundreds of other children’s books.

After Party
10:45 and 14:30, ages 0–2
Music, play and sensory performance for babies and toddlers, where you can come and go as you please. (14:30 sold out)

Dancing with Colours
10:00 and 12:30, ages 4–8
Dance and make art with pastels and paint in a deliberately messy participatory performance. (Sold out)

As you may have noticed, quite a lot of this has already sold out – so if there’s something you fancy, I’d get booking.

Golden Ticket members**, incidentally, heard about Big Dreams weeks ago. If you’re feeling slightly aggrieved that other people keep getting to the good stuff before you do, you could always join them for £36 a year.**

Find out more: https://polkatheatre.com/big-dreams-festival-2026/

👍️ Polka Theatre has a lovely little indoor play area with a book corner, dressing-up costumes, magnetic boards and activity sheets. There’s also a multi-sensory garden and outdoor play space.

Family Activity: Marvellous Maps, The Past, Present and Future of St Martin’s
Saturday 19 September, 11:00
St Martin-in-the-Fields, Trafalgar Square, WC2N 4JJ
FREE – no booking required
Age guidance: 5–13

St Martin-in-the-Fields doesn’t do many family events, but I’m delighted they’ve identified the primary-school demographic as a growth opportunity.

It’s a beautiful church with a gorgeous crypt, and until now my main reason for taking children there has been the Christmas carol services (which are, incidentally, GREAT).

For this, kids aged 5–13 get to become city planners for the day. They’ll start by looking through old maps of London from the church archives, then use toy blocks to build their own 3D version of the St Martin-in-the-Fields parish.

And there are actual decisions to make: where do you put the schools and police stations? How will you look after poorer residents? Does your city need a bath house? Where will you put the Gail’s? Where will everyone sit the second the sun comes out? Will there be a Pret opposite another Pret, for symmetry?

After all, this may just be a fun exercise, but realism is important in these things.

Find out more: https://www.stmartin-in-the-fields.org/whats-on/marvellous-maps-2/

👍️ The family activity is part of the church’s contribution to the second (and final) week of the Open House Festival. There are lots of other activities to get involved in throughout the day, and all of them are free:

The Devil, The Tsar & Three Dry Biscuits
Saturday at 14:00
Jacksons Lane Arts Centre, 269a Archway Road, N6 5AA
£10–£20 per person
Age guidance: 8+

Traditional fairy stories – the ones we’ve loved and passed on to our children – contain some useful lessons. Don’t lie about wolves. Don’t steal porridge. Don’t build houses out of straw. And the consequences for doing these things can be pretty brutal.

But our fairy tales have NOTHING on the Russian ones.

The Devil, the Tsar & Three Dry Biscuits is based on a traditional Russian folk tale about a soldier who, after 25 years in the army, is sent home with three dry biscuits for his trouble. He gives them to three hungry beggars and is rewarded with a magic sack that can trap anything, plus a pack of cards that always wins.

He goes on to gamble with demons, trap them in his sack and rid the Tsar’s palace of them. Then, when Death eventually comes for him, he puts Death in the sack too – leaving a world in which nobody can die.

I won’t tell you how it ends, but suffice to say it gets considerably darker and more existential than a tortoise winning a race against a hare.

There’s a large character list here: the soldier, the Tsar, three beggars and Death personified, plus assorted other villains I haven’t even mentioned yet. And you’re getting just ONE actor to play them all.

Fortunately, that actor is Ben Haggarty. He’s been performing stories professionally for more than 40 years, directed Britain’s first storytelling festival in 1985, spent a decade as the official storyteller for Yo-Yo Ma’s Silk Road Ensemble, and has performed everywhere from caves to Carnegie Hall.

His background is in mime and physical theatre, so Haggarty uses his voice and body to become the different characters, talks directly to the audience and creates everything else – the palace, the demons, the forest, Death – in your imagination. Jackanory this is not.

It’s recommended for ages 8+, and is meant to be thrilling and occasionally pretty dark – although there are no jump scares or sudden shocks. Whether your eight-year-old considers Death himself less scary than a jump scare is another matter.

Find out more: https://www.jacksonslane.org.uk/events/the-devil-the-tsar-three-dry-biscuits-with-ben-haggarty/

This section brings together both new events I don’t have room to expand on and selected older ones from past newsletters that are still running. If you see a “(see my write-up here)”, that’s your cue to click through and rediscover whatever Past Me felt strongly enough to write about.

Hay!
Sunday 20 September at 11:00 and 14:00
Jacksons Lane Arts Centre, 269a Archway Road, N6 5AA
£10–£20 per person
Age guidance: 3+

Rabbit & Rey and The Lost Things
Sunday 20 September at 11:00
artsdepot, 5 Nether Street, Tally Ho Corner, N12 0GA
£13.75 per person
Age guidance: 3+

Trading Stories at Leadenhall Market (free immersive marketplace)
Friday at 13:00–17:00 and Saturday at 12:00–16:00
Leadenhall Market, Gracechurch Street, London, EC3V 1LT
Free

Family Workshop: Adventure Board Games
Sunday 20 September, 11:30
The British Library, 96 Euston Road, NW1 2DB
Free – booking essential
Age guidance: 7+

Note: BL events are always popular, so tickets are likely to be all gone by the time you read this. Golden Ticket subscribers get listings like this well in advance – handy when tickets disappear quickly.

Pip and Posy Live on Stage
Until 22 November, various start times (see website)
Little Angel Theatre, 14 Dagmar Passage, N1 2DN
Adults £16, 1–17s £14
Age guidance: 2–5

Blood, Guts and Nasty Cuts (fun family talk)
Saturday 19 September, 14:30–15:45
The Royal Institution of Great Britain, 21 Albemarle Street, W1S 4BS
Adults £17.06, under-17s £10.85
Age guidance: 7–13

London Oratorio
Saturday 19 September, 18:30
Southbank Centre, Belvedere Road, SE1 8XX
£24–£44 per person
Age guidance: 7+
​​Note: last few tickets remaining! Golden Ticket subscribers get listings like this well in advance – handy when tickets disappear quickly.

Hola Frida \+ Pre-film Drawing Demo with Erika Meza
Saturday 19 September, 11:00
Barbican Centre, Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS
Adults £5, under-18s £2.50
Age guidance: 5+

​​Note: likely to be sold out! Golden Ticket subscribers get listings like this well in advance – handy when tickets disappear quickly.

The Pied Piper: A Rat's Tale
Until 7 November, various start times – see website
Little Angel Studios, Sebbon Street, N1 2EH
Adults £16, 1–17s £14 (all tickets are £8 this Saturday 12/Sunday 13 September)
Age guidance: 5+

As You Like It (see my write-up here)
Until 25 October, various start times – see website
Shakespeare’s Globe, 21 New Globe Walk, SE1 9DT
Standing tickets £10, seated £28–£88
Age guidance: suitable for all*

The Three Little Wolves
Various days until 4 October, various start times (see website)
Puppet Theatre Barge, Richmond, TW10 6UT
Adults £15, under-17s £12
Age guidance: 4–10

Childhood in War (see my write-up here)
Daily until 28 February 2027, 10:00–18:00
Imperial War Museum, Lambeth Road, SE1 6HZ
FREE
Age guidance: suitable for all

The Comedy About Spies
Until 26 September, 14:30 and/or 19:30
Adelphi Theatre, Strand, WC2R 0NS
£20–£145 (tickets for a family of 4 from £80)
Age guidance: 10+

Cats (see my write-up here)
Until 19 September, 14:00 and/or 19:45
Regent's Park Open Air Theatre, The Regent's Park, Inner Circle, NW1 4NU
£15–£97.50 per person
Age guidance: 5+

The Timewalk Exhibition – An Immersive Journey Through Civilisations (see my write-up here)
Until 30 September, various timeslots throughout each day
Immerse LDN, Excel Waterfront, ExCel, E16 1XL
Adults £31.50, 4–15s £25, under-4s free (no ticket needed)
Age guidance: suitable for all

Frida: The Making of an Icon (see my write-up here)
Until 3 January, 2027, 10:00–18:00 (until 21:00 on Fridays and Saturdays)
Tate Modern, Bankside, SE1 9TG
Adults £25, 12–18s £4.37, under-12s free

House of Dreamers (see my write-up here)
Daily until 30 September, timeslots throughout the day
Immerse LDN, Excel Waterfront, ExCel, E16 1XL
Adults £28.90, 3–12s £23.90, under-3s free
Age guidance: suitable for all

King’s Cross Pétanque (see my write-up here)
Until Wednesday 30 September, 09:00–21:00
Pancras Square, King's Cross, N1C 4AG
FREE – just turn up
Age guidance: suitable for all

1996: 30 years on (see my write-up here)
Mondays–Saturdays until 19 September, 09:30–various closing times depending on the day
Barbican Music Library, Barbican Library, Barbican Centre, Silk Street, EC2Y 8DS
FREE – no booking required
Age guidance: suitable for all