🔥 6 things to do in London this weekend with the kids (30–31 August)

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Hey DILF!

Quick question: have you ever heard of or encountered the Monument to the Unknown Artist outside Tate Modern? I’ve never seen it and was convinced I’d been reading a prank article, but it really does exist – with a whopping NINE people giving it an average of a not-fantastic 3.8 stars on Google. (Also, does something really exist if it has fewer then 100 Google reviews? That’s a question for another day.)

A few of those reviewers didn’t understand it, so here’s what you need to know before you go: it looks like any other sculpture (other than the paintbrush in its hand), but it’s more special than it first appears. There’s a little camera fitted inside the artist, and if you pose in front of it, it’ll try to imitate you. That’s why it sometimes looks a bit ungraceful for a statue.

There’s a plaque that reads, “Non Plaudite, Modo Pecuniam Jacite”, meaning, “Do not applaud, just throw money”. Which I guess is quite poetic and deep in its own way, given how hard it can be to make a living as an artist.

I plan to have a look (and a pose) when I’m next at Tate Modern, and I’ll definitely be giving it its tenth review – unless you get there first.

Here’s a bunch of other things you can be doing with your weekend…

Enjoy!

Jeff xx

1: Bag seconds and samples in a Gothic mansion

Sample & Seconds Sale: with Crafty Fox Market!
Saturday 30 August, 11:00–17:00
Two Temple Place, 2 Temple Place, WC2R 3BD
FREE

If (and I’m just saying IF) I ever get divorced and remarry, I’m booking Two Temple Place for the wedding reception. I don’t know why it’s not on more “must see” lists: it’s incredible.

Two Temple Place belonged to William Waldorf Astor, the apparently publicity-shy (we’ll get to this) heir-lawyer-politician-publisher-philanthropist-among-other-things who moved to London from the US in 1891. He wanted a fortified, private base where he could both live and manage all his investments and holdings (US real estate, newspapers, country houses like Cliveden, etc.), so in 1892, he commissioned the Gothic Revival master John Loughborough Pearson to design it.

Private shmivate, is what I say. If you want privacy, you don’t hire the guy who designs Gothic Revival cathedrals for a living. And Two Temple Place is like a fortress-sized bauble: all crenellations, heraldry and carvings, stacked three deep. And that’s just the exterior. On the inside there’s a marble mosaic floor; a heavy mahogany stair with Dumas’ Musketeers carved on the posts; an oak-panelled Great Hall with a gilded frieze of 82 Shakespeare characters running round the gallery; and a main door with nine Arthurian heroines by Sir George Frampton in silver-gilt. A soulless white-walled data centre this is not.

Basically, it’s worth a visit purely because it’s utterly fabulous. It’s also not the sort of place you can pop into any day or even most weekends: it opens only on selected dates, including this Saturday for the Sample & Seconds Sale.

To be clear, this isn’t anything like your bog-standard flea market. If you’re after half a leather belt with the buckle missing, or some off-brand scouring pads, or a onesie that says “Made in London”, head somewhere else. This one is proper: you’ll discover “discounted pieces from some of the UK’s most talented makers, artists and craftspeople, all under one roof”, including hand-thrown pottery, organic candles, artisan jewellery, homewares and original art.

It’s hosted by Crafty Fox Market, which gives UK designers and makers a platform to showcase and sell their unique creations. For an idea of what you’ll see on the day, check the Crafty Fox Market website: it has a directory of everyone they work with. I love it all (especially the ceramics), and I also want it all.

Find out more: https://twotempleplace.org/events/sample-seconds-sale/

2: See Amazon packaging get a standing ovation

1 Click Away
Saturday 30 August, 11:00
Woolwich Works, The Fireworks Factory, 11 No. 1 Street, SE18 6HD
Adults and children £11, babies under 18 months free
Age guidance: suitable for all

If you’d asked me yesterday, “Jeff, can a dance show use cardboard boxes as part of the choreography and still look good?” I’d have sighed and said, “Is this an Oxbridge interview question? Are we doing ‘How many piano tuners in London’ next, ‘with workings’?”

I don’t know what admissions tutors want, but the true answer is: yes, at Woolwich Works, in a show called 1 Click Away. Don’t believe me? Watch this clip: the parcel-powered prancing is fantastic.

The title points at one-click shopping and the cardboard it leaves behind. On top of the sharp dance sequences and clear storytelling, there’s proper audience join-in: stacking box towers, balancing bodies, and turning everyday materials into something new.

After the show, there are kids’ workshops where they keep the theme going – cutting, folding and repurposing yet more boxes into new creations.

One thing I’ve been pondering (eco committee, please don’t @ me) is this: I think we need to recognise the unsung heroes here. Without online shopping, this show wouldn’t exist. No online shopping, no boxes. No boxes, no show. Say what you like buying everything online, but Amazon deserves a credit in the programme for supplying the stage props.

Find out more: https://www.woolwich.works/events/1-click-away

While you’re there…

👍️ The Royal Arsenal has been around since the late 1600s, as the place where armaments and ammunition were manufactured for the British Armed Forces. These days, however, it’s all green open spaces, creative places, and restaurants, cafes and bars.

👍️ Maryon Wilson Animal Park is a happy home to ducks, geese, chickens, sheep, goats, pigs, ponies and deer. It's found inside Maryon Wilson Park – a beautiful wooded area with streams and open grassland and all the idyllic things you miss about the countryside (until you remember that the countryside is mostly boring). It’s about a 15-minute drive or 20-minute bus ride from Woolwich Works.

3: Join London’s craziest free outdoor festival

Greenwich+Docklands International Festival
Saturday and Sunday, various times, plus other events until 6 September
Events take place throughout the borough of Greenwich (see individual listings below)
FREE
Age guidance: suitable for all

When I wrote about “London’s leading festival of free outdoor theatre and performing arts” last year, my primary emotion was astonishment at the wonderfully weird artistic acts and performances on offer. Not a tombola or face painter in sight.

This year, they’ve gone even crazier. GDIF 2025 is on until 6 September, but if you ask me, this weekend has the showstoppers.

In Ripple, “A giant metal spiral becomes an acrobatic playground as circus, dance and physics come together in a performance exploring the consequences of our actions.” If you’re into unpacking the ideas, go for it. Otherwise just enjoy it – and hope to be invited to join in, because it looks SO much fun.

Walking on the Wall rivals Ripple in terms of funness. It uses “inventive staging to enable the performer to defy gravity and walk on walls”, and aims to “celebrate creativity in everyday life”. I’d love to say it’ll inspire me to be more creative day-to-day, but honestly all I can think is: “Wow, wow, wow. I WANT TO TRY!!!”

Then there’s The Scale, on London’s only rooftop basketball court (with a great view), which “evokes the weightless movement of astronauts in space”. Again: I’m so very jealous of these performers.

And finally, Robopole, “a seamless integration of human and robot choreography” where “the robot and the engineer become equal protagonists in a spectacular pas de deux”. It’s meant as a reflection on our relationship with technology and AI, but it’s also just very amazing to watch.

All four show multiple times a day, so check the listings for exact timings:

Ripple: https://festival.org/gdif/whats-on/ripple/
Walking on the Water: https://festival.org/gdif/whats-on/walking-on-the-wall/
The Scale: https://festival.org/gdif/whats-on/the-scale/
Robopole: https://festival.org/gdif/whats-on/robopole-2/

Find out more: https://festival.org/gdif-2025/

While you’re there…

👍️ There’s beach tennis up the Jubilee Line at Queen Elizabeth Park, where you can sign your kids up for fun lessons or book your own court for up to six family members and/or friends to join in. A court costs £45 for an hour, and all rackets and balls are provided.

👍️ Tennis not your thing? How about some cricket at Queen Elizabeth Park instead? There’s just one condition: you must accept that this cricket will be FUN, THRILLING and FAST-PACED. No umpires inspecting the light while everyone wilts in the sun with warm lemonade, because when it comes to Sixes Cricket, think “batting challenges, big laughs, craft cocktails, street food and epic vibes – no cricket skills needed”. At peak times (11:00 onwards on weekends), it costs £15.75 per adult and £10.50 for under-13s. Off-peak (up to 10:45 on weekends and most of each weekday) it’s £10 per adult and £7.50 for under-13s.

👍️ Visit the Beach Club at Westfield. See the listing further down for more info.

4: Feast on fire-cooked dishes all weekend

Meatopia London
Saturday, 12:00–22:00 and Sunday, 12:00–18:00
Tobacco Dock, Wapping Lane, E1W 2SF
Adults £48–£53 (depending on the day), children £7.49, babies in arms go free
Age guidance: suitable for all

There’s a YouTuber called Max Fosh, whose many stunts, social experiments and pranks have gone viral for their bonkersness. One of his most famous videos involves making tourists think they’d landed at the wrong airport. He’s also paid two private investigators to follow each other; hatched a fish from supermarket caviar; and broken into the International Security Convention.

One of my favourites involves Max going to Iceland (the supermarket) for a frozen curry, then travelling to Iceland (the country) to cook it inside an active volcano. Spoiler: he survived. But it was HOT – the “Oh f**k it’s burning my face” kind of hot.

I’m mentioning this because a) I hope you’ll check out Mr Fosh, and b) the volcano cooking reminds me of every Meatopia review I’ve ever read.

Meatopia is a weekend-long, live-fire food festival at Tobacco Dock: top chefs from around the world cook one-off dishes, and you eat your way around. The house rule is simple: fire only. “Worship at the foot of the fire… You won’t find gas, sous vide, or, God forbid, a microwave” in this place.

They’re not kidding: watch any of their festival videos (like this one) and you can feel the heat. Luckily it’s mostly the chefs doing the sweating while you just do the eating.

The meat is billed as ethically farmed and responsibly sourced (i.e. very different from frozen curry dragged up a mountain). We’re talking “smoked pigs cheeks with foie gras on a pretzel bun”, “grilled picanha with espresso BBQ sauce and grilled farofa”, “spit-roasted ox cooked over a wood fire for 24 hours”, “beef fore rib slow cooked over rum burrel wood chips with Sailor Jerry barbecue sauce”, “braised, smoked and grilled pig head tacos… with blasts of Filipino lime”, “Viet-rican whole hog”, “New Orleans-style chargrilled oysters, dripping in orange cheesy wonder”... you get the drift.

Everything's curated: each day, 25 or so chefs cook their single dish (which must be approved in advance by the organisers) in front of you. And you pay with an on-site currency called “Meatbucks” – which you can purchase in advance with your ticket or from roving “MeatBucaneers” once you’re in. One Meatbuck = one dish. Bars take cards.

It’s not just standing around eating meat — and no, I’m not about to say “vegetarians will love it too”. The official line is that Meatopia probably isn’t great for vegetarians or vegans (though everyone’s welcome), but there will be music, drinks and general festival buzz if you’re tagging along – plus a ton of educational demos.

Warning: there’s a limited number of children’s tickets for each day, so book as early as you can (i.e. now!).

Find out more: https://www.meatopia.co.uk/home-london

While you’re there…

👍️ If you’re somehow still a bit peckish or could do with another drink after Meatopia, the famous Prospect of Whitby is nearby.

It’s the oldest riverside tavern, dating from around 1520, and it used to be where sailors, smugglers, cutthroats and thieves would hang out. JMW Turner sketched views from the pub, and it’s been featured in numerous TV series and films – including, most excitingly, Only Fools and Horses (albeit briefly: in the episode where Uncle Albert goes missing, Del Boy and Rodney travel around London looking for him. Nicholas Lyndhurst is shown in one scene walking out of the pub.)

5: Escape the mall inside a giant sandcastle

The Beach Club at Westfield Stratford City
Saturday 12:00–20:00 and Sunday 12:00–18:00 (face painting 12:00–18:00)
Westfield Stratford City, Montfichet Road, London E20 1EJ
FREE
Age guidance: suitable for all

My kids and I watched Mary Poppins the other day. Have you seen it as an adult? It’s brilliant, but utterly bonkers. One minute a banker is having a meltdown over tuppence, the next we’re stuck to the ceiling for laughing, then the chimney sweeps hold a rooftop parade. Chaos.

Having said that, in many ways it was ahead of its time. Not just “turning ordinary jobs into joyful dance numbers”, but A Spoonful of Sugar. These days the productivity crowd calls it temptation bundling: pair a treat with a chore so the chore gets done.

I’m leaning hard on that to get me through the school-supplies trip to Westfield this weekend. I hate shopping malls with a passion, and so do my children – most probably because I’ve spent years mouthing off about “airless corridors”, “hangar lighting” and “weaponised Muzak”. The Beach Club is the temptation bit in exchange for getting the mall done.

The Beach Club at Westfield Stratford City runs until Sunday, and my first stop is the Sensory Sandcastle, where you can “pop, giggle and play with shimmering bubbles, breathe in the sweet scent of vanilla ice cream and fresh air, and feel the beach vibes with the gentle sounds of waves and seagulls”. If you’re wondering how they pull this off in the middle of Westfield, the FAQs mention a “kinetic sand pit” and “bubble machine”. There’s also the chance to “draw your dream castle on the walls, then dig in and play in the giant sandpit at the heart of the castle”. If the reality is even half as good as the write-up, we’ll be happy.

Alongside the beachy bits, there are giant games like Four-in-a-Row and Skittles, which I won’t be playing because I’m both bad at them and a bad sport. My kids are similarly anti-game and anti-good-sport (almost certainly learned behaviour), so at least we won’t be the ones monopolising them.

Oh and you might like to “capture the moment with fun photos on the Surfboard!” I don’t know what that actually is, and Instagram is silent, so assume it’s either tasteful or mortifying. We’ll find out the hard way.

The final activity on the smallish roster (well, you’re meant to be shopping after all) is face painting. Of course. There’s a warning online: “Our amazing face painters will need to take a quick break to recharge throughout the day. Please bear with us during these times.” Translation: we’re besieged by a day-long queue and approximately 400 pleas for “just a quick butterfly”. Dads in London readers aren’t like that. We won’t add to the stress: we’ll let them take a break.

Find out more: https://www.westfield.com/en/united-kingdom/stratfordcity/the-beach-club

While you’re there…

👍️ In last week’s newsletter, I mentioned a new cafe that’s housed inside a repurposed train station – and it’s down the road from Westfield Stratford! It’s staffed by people who are deaf or hard of hearing, and when you place an order, you’re invited to use British Sign Language (with help from easy-to-follow instructions on an iPad if you need it).

It looks fantastic! And there’s even a little garden area for yoga and other events.
It’s being operated by a local social enterprise called Dialogue Hub, and provides skills, training and employment for the deaf community in the area.

You can find it on Gibbons Road – just behind Stratford Station. and a short walk from Discover Children’s Story Centre.

👍️ Greenwich+Docklands International Festival! (See the event listing above.)

6: More!

Just one extra for the “More” section this week:

Hands on Armour: Saturday Knight Live
Saturday 30 August, 13:30–16:00
The Wallace Collection, Hertford House, Manchester Square, W1U 3BN
FREE
Age guidance: 5+

“Have you ever wondered what it was like to be a medieval knight? Step back in time and put your questions to Gavin Locke and Martin Godsave, our resident knights in shining armour. Enjoy live demonstrations and try on real and replica armour, with the help of our Hands on Armour volunteers.

Places are limited and allocated first-come, first-served on the day.”