🐨 5 things to do in London this weekend with the kids (3–5 May)

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Hey DILFs!

If you’re into nerdy, easy-to-digest light relief on your morning commute, allow me to recommend a YouTube playlist called “Every Tube Station Rated”. It’s been created by a very determined man named Tom, and he’s recorded 272 (very short) videos for the playlist because there are 272 tube stations. See which stations you agree with, and which ones you’ll fight him to the death over. 

On the topic of tube trains, please wear shoes. 

Anyway! Enjoy this week’s selection of things you can do in London this weekend, which may or may not require a trip on the tube. 

Take care, 

Jeff xx

1: Catch a Peruvian bear (and beer) mid-air

Paddington in Peru – Rooftop Film Club
Saturday 3 May, 14:00
Level 8, Stratford Multi-Storey Car Park, Great Eastern Way, E15 1XE
Adults £14, children £8
Age guidance: rated PG

Since watching A Minecraft Movie at the cinema the other week (yes, I’m still talking about it), I’ve started to appreciate “collaborative cinema” a bit more. In the case of A Minecraft Movie, it meant a lot of yelling, cheering and popcorn-throwing during highly trailered scenes – and INSANITY during the “chicken jockey” bit. It wasn’t exactly classy camaraderie, but there was something lovely about feeling like we were all part of something. (Although bringing out live chickens was NOT cool and NOT lovely – no matter how much human bonding it gave rise to.)

I get the feeling that Rooftop Film Club will have a similar feeling of togetherness – or “esprit de corps”, if you’re feeling particularly daring with the Collins Thesaurus. 

Unlike regular cinema, where communication is limited to side-eyeing anyone who’s forgotten to mute their phone, Rooftop Film Club is about participating in a relatively awesome experience together. I know experiential and outdoor cinema have been around for a while, but it’s pretty darn cool to sit outside, on a lounger, high up in the sky, surrounded by the sights of London, having delicious food served to your seat, while watching a classic film along with your fellow Londoners. 

… Which is why it won’t be the ideal destination for anyone hoping to immerse themselves in the cinematic-ness of it all. Sure, you'll get your own headphones to block out the revving motorbikes, sirens, and the inevitable drilling below, but don’t expect the pristine surround sound or crystal-clear visuals of a regular movie theatre.

Also, because it’s more about conviviality, jollity, and perhaps even a spot of sociability (if you’re hellbent on trekking down the entire list of synonyms), there’s a chance you’ll get drawn into a conversation about primary schools or offered some Pringles, just as Paddington is facing off against Phoenix Buchanan. 

All this is to say that it probably works best if you don’t try to treat it like normal cinema. No one’s there for a perfect viewing experience, and that’s sort of the point. 

Find out more: https://rooftopfilmclub.com/london/stratford/film/1486-paddington-in-peru/

2: Watch a marsupial musical about facing your fears

The Koala Who Could
Saturday at 14:00 and 16:30, Sunday at 11:00 and 14:00, Monday at 11:00 and 14:00
artsdepot, 5 Nether Street, Tally Ho Corner, N12 0GA
£14–£18 per ticket
Age guidance: 3+

Some names can be used on both humans and animals. Charlie. Toby. Bella. Lily. Even Jeff, at a push. Certain names are only appropriate for animals (unless you’re Katie Price). Fluffy. Nibbles. Bunny. Fuzzball. Socks. And a few names are so ridiculously human that it would be absurd to give them to a pet or other animal. Mark. Peter. Michael. Susan. Linda. Deborah. Absurd. 

When someone does that precise absurd thing with their animal’s name, it’s pure joy. There’s nothing more hilarious than watching an irate 60-something yell “CYNTHIA! CYNTHIA! GET HERE NOW YOU BASTARD!” while chasing a miniature pug down a hill. 

And it’s for that reason alone that I’m all in favour of the story, “The Koala Who Could”, which is now a musical at artsdepot for anyone aged three and older. It’s about stepping out of your comfort zone, overcoming self-doubt and trying new things – which is so far, so bla. (I mean, it’s an important message, but it’s been done to death.)

Where things get interesting is that the koala’s name is Kevin. Which is frankly brilliant – and makes me more inclined to put my faith in artdepot’s claim that this is a “chuckle-out-loud story”. And I’m pleased to see that the entire story is written in rhyme, because it shows that – after stealing both the title structure and plot of The Little Engine Who Could – the authors finally pulled their finger out and put in some hours. 

I’ve seen the trailer, and I’ll admit that it looks brilliant. The songs even have harmonies, which is my definition of chef’s kiss. The koala is admittedly a bit more petrifying than I’d have imagined, but it’s fine: we’ll get used to it. 

While you’re there… 

👍️ N20 Kids Club is a soft-play space less than a mile away. I’ve never been, but the reviews suggest you take the “3 months to 11 years” suggested age range and smash it to smithereens. Six years old seems like the upper limit. 

👍️ Little Tea House is a gem of a place, with spectacular teas and beautiful cakes and pastries (which are all made in-house by the owner). Board games are apparently available; I didn’t see them when I visited, but that might be because my own kids looked too feral to be trusted with a load of Jenga blocks. 

Find out more: https://www.artsdepot.co.uk/event/the-koala-who-could

3: Count the ways the Bard played with numbers

The Mathematical Life of Shakespeare
Saturday 3 May, 14:00–15:15
The Royal Institution of Great Britain, 21 Albemarle Street, W1S 4BS
Adults £17.06, under-17s £10.85
Age guidance: 12 and under

Did your GCSE English class involve analysing, word by word, the poems in a board-certified anthology? When I was at school, a teacher would tell us things like, “The sibilance here is used to create a harsh tone, and, combined with the use of pathetic fallacy, adds to the sense of hostility felt by the writer.” And how, in a different poem, “The use of alliteration makes the phrase difficult to say, alluding to the difficulty of the soldiers’ lives.” We’d nod sagely at her, roll our eyes dubiously at each other, then replicate her exact words when answering essay questions under exam conditions. 

I’m sceptical to this day about writers’ intended deeper meanings of things like a sudden shift to second person, a dripping tap and a hallway full of shadows. Maybe writers just like certain words and certain rhythms. Maybe we’re ascribing thoughts and intentions they never had. Maybe things aren’t always so deep.

Someone who definitely won’t agree with me is Rob Eastaway, whose talk at The Royal Institution explores how all the mathematical innovation during Shakespeare’s time was strongly reflected in his work. He’ll explain the “surprising and entertaining ways that maths and numbers crop up in Shakespeare’s plays,” and will let us in on the secret of why Shakespeare never ended a line with the word “orange”. 

Part of me is thinking, “CORRELATION IS DIFFERENT FROM CAUSATION, PEOPLE!!!” I mean, the theme of revenge comes up a LOT in Shakespeare’s work, but no one is suggesting it’s because he was influenced by the legal system’s increasing use of retribution at the time (which was really happening). Ditto gardens. Do you know how many goddamn gardens are used as metaphors throughout his plays? A LOT. Yet no one’s linking it to the increase in botanical knowledge and interest in gardens during the Renaissance. 

And yet… I don’t really know what I’m talking about, and Rob Eastaway does. So I guess you should defer to him. Plus, he has a new book out called Much Ado About Numbers – which makes me think he’s up for a laugh.  If you have a child who’s expected to read Shakespeare soon and isn’t exactly thrilled, this could be a fun way to get them into it. 

Find out more: https://www.rigb.org/whats-on/mathematical-life-shakespeare-family

While you’re there… 

👍️ Mayfair has some of the loveliest streets in London – and this self-guided walking tour is a great way to see them. Two maps (for parts 1 and 2 of the tour) are at the bottom of the written description of the route. 

4: Follow a self-led trail of witches and wonder

Shakespeare’s Magic: Trail
Saturday and Sunday, 10:00–17:30
V&A South Kensington, Cromwell Road, SW7 2RL
FREE

I like to think the Royal Institution looked at the V&A and yelled “JINX!!!” when it saw this. Admittedly, though, these two events have about as much in common as William Shakespeare and Shakespears Sister. 

Shakespeare’s Magic at the V&A is a self-led trail to discover artefacts including “a little western flower” (like the magical one in A Midsummer Night’s Dream), a precious jewel, mermaids, a “salt-sea shark” (familiar to Macbeth’s witches; notice the alliteration, students!) and more. As you’ll see from the route map, it’s all jolly clever: the trail is an excuse to lure visitors around the V&A’s British Galleries on a discovery mission, drawing them in and helping them learn about certain items from the 4,000-strong collection they might never have bothered looking at otherwise. 

Along your route, there’ll be a sound installation inspired by the Weird Sisters in Macbeth – and there'll also be a screening of a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which was recorded live at the Roundhouse in 2007. (The screening takes place at 11:00 and 14:00 in the cinema room.)

While you’re there… 

👍️ For a completely random tourist attraction, take a brief detour on your way home via Thin House.

👍️ Another odd pitstop: The Hole in the Wall. Basically, Hyde Park and Knightsbridge were once split by a massive wall, forcing Rutland Estate residents (on the northern side) into a mile-long detour just to reach the shops. Then WWII happened, a German bomb took out the wall, and the detour was replaced by a 100-yard stroll. After the war, locals fought to keep the shortcut – and “The Hole in the Wall” was born. 

Find out more: https://www.vam.ac.uk/event/M7JEgKbWLx/shakespeare-s-magic-trail-april-may-2025

5: See music turned into 700 mini masterpieces

War Child Presents Secret 7”
Saturday 10:00–17:00 and Sunday 10:00–16:00 (and Tuesday–Sunday until 1 June)
NOW Gallery, The Gateway Pavilions, Peninsula Square, SE10 0SQ
FREE

I’ve recently been to not one, not three, but TWO major exhibitions in which vinyl record covers took centre stage. I’ve also heard Richard Osman talk at length about the eye-watering price tags attached to limited-supply and first-edition books. 

Both these things have made me realise that whoever places a winning bid at the Secret 7” charity auction will definitely have a rock-solid backup plan when their crypto portfolio tanks. 

Secret 7 “takes seven “iconic tracks from globally renowned musicians”, pressing each one onto 100 limited-edition 7” vinyl records. It then gets artists (some well-known, some about-to-be-well-known) to create “one-of-a-kind sleeve designs for each record”. 

The result? Public maths time… 7 x 100 (OK not so bad) = “700 distinctive pieces of collectible art that push the boundaries of what a record sleeve can be”. 

If you’re mostly interested in looking rather than bidding, the more relevant number is the SEVEN sleeve designs you can check out this weekend. The tracks are:

The Cure – Warsong: Troxy Live 2024
Frank Turner – Be More Kind
Gregory Porter – Merchant of Paradise
Jessie Ware – Beautiful People
Keane – Black Rain
Scissor Sisters – Return to Oz
Sophie Ellis-Bextor – Devotion (brand new song, exclusive to War Child’s Secret 7”)

In a clever twist, the artists’ identities aren’t being revealed until all items have been sold through the online auction. (That’s where the “secret” of “Secret 7” comes in.)

The money goes to War Child UK, the only specialist charity for children affected by conflict. 

Find out more: https://nowgallery.co.uk/exhibitions/war-child-present-secret-7-at-greenwich-peninsula

While you’re there… 

👍️ The Greenwich Peninsula cable car station is very nearby. If you’ve been on any world-famous cable car rides like Sugarloaf Mountain or Mont Blanc, you may be underwhelmed. Luckily, I haven’t, so I think our little London cable car is wonderful.